The Value of Taking a Break

UPDATED OCTOBER 2020

Every year about this time, especially when I’m teaching, I feel the immense need for a break. I don’t mean an evening to unwind, either. 

I’m talking a full stop, unplugged, no emails break from work. 

Days where I can do whatever I want, whether that’s napping, watching movies with my dogs, or working on my novel without feeling an ounce of guilt. 

In a world where a majority of our messaging tells us “hustling” all the time will get us where we want to go, a break is invaluable. Here’s why:

We are stressed.

Sometimes we are stressed because of work: maybe we don’t like our job or we are feeling a lot of pressure to complete projects on short timelines. 

Sometimes there are unexpected family commitments that last longer than anticipated. Or someone we care about needs help and no one else is there, so we “find a way” to help them. 

We often feel like jugglers with way too many balls in the air.

Sometimes we have health issues that have escalated or changed our lives. Issues we can’t afford to pay for because we don’t work at a job that makes a living wage.

We often feel like jugglers with way too many balls in the air.

We are overwhelmed.

Because of all our commitments, we can get overwhelmed. Our brains know we have to somehow prioritize our laundry list of “to do” items, even when that list seems to grow on its own.

But knowing that we have to do something is not the same as being able to effectively do it. Let alone be efficient.

So we shut down and don’t do anything (no one has to know about that 5 episode binge session of your favorite show on Netflix, right?). 

We are emotionally overwrought.

Since we are stressed and overwhelmed, our emotions can be out of whack. We might be perfectly lovely individuals on a regular day, but on a stressful and overwhelming day? You’d better watch out! 

Think of all the things we are trying to balance in our lives. Chances are, we have a stake in every single one. Work? Pays the bills (hopefully) and feeds the family. Family commitments? Builds and maintains relationships with the ones we love. Health? We have to take care of those or we might not be around as long as we would like. 

If we think about all of these things on an average day, that makes for a pretty emotional package, doesn’t it?

We are tired.

I don’t know about you, but I rarely hear anyone saying “I slept really well last night. I even went to bed early!” We all wish we could, but the reality is that most of us struggle on an average day. 

Sometimes tired feels like an understatement.

We get up for work in the morning, and have whatever caffeine will sustain us. We make the morning commute, arriving at work hoping that coffee/tea/energy drink has kicked in. If not, we immediately look for more. 

And then we work. Some of us leave work and go to another job. If we don’t, we get home and can barely function as a human being sometimes because all of our brain power is spent. But, wait! We still have to eat dinner and possibly do dishes or spend time with family or friends. 

Sometimes tired feels like an understatement.

We are human beings, not robots.

Probably the biggest reason taking a break is important is because we are humans! We are creative, wonderful, diverse creatures who have learned to do amazing things. 

We are not robots that stand in an assembly line programmed to efficiently do one task over and over again. We are living, breathing beings who have a wide range of needs and emotions to contend with on a daily basis.

How often should we take a break?

We are stressed, overwhelmed, emotional tired humans who just need a break! Sometimes we don’t even realize how much we need it until it’s been far too long. The question remains, though, how often we should try to schedule this coveted relaxation. 

In an ideal world, we could take a  break once a week. We get so excited when we arrive at Friday because we think the weekend will be a break. 

There’s a reason for that - we crave down time. If not down time, at least time to do what we like instead of what pays the bills. 

In an ideal world, we could take a  break once a week.

Do you ever catch yourself saying “Thank Goodness it’s Friday” or “TGIF”? I know I do!

As you probably know, taking a complete day to yourself every week is not always doable. We might have other commitments and chores to take care of. Even if they’re fun, they’re still a scheduled obligation.

Even when we are very busy, it’s really important to take a break at least once per month. We need that time to decompress and relax. Even if it’s a lazy Sunday afternoon laying around the house, we all need to take a break. 

I’ve found taking a day off of work to create downtime can be extra relaxing since I am less likely to be roped into extra tasks during the week - because everyone else is busy working!

What do we do when we can’t take a break? 

Sometimes life gets extra crazy, though, and we actually don’t have time for a full stop break from everything. We’ve all been there (some of us more recently than others) and it’s awful. So what can we do when this happens?

We schedule down time.

If you are a planner, this will probably be a piece of cake. If seeing obligations on your calendar stresses you out, though, this might be difficult the first few times you do it. 

Scheduling time for a break should be no different than any other commitment you make. It’s a commitment that you need to make to and for yourself. 

When we can’t take a whole day to ourselves, or maybe even half of a day, we need to schedule some time. Maybe that’s an hour or two in the afternoon after work. Or maybe, if you’re an early bird or a night owl, you can get some quiet at the beginning or end of the day. 

We say yes to doing things all the time, and then we block that time on our calendars. Scheduling time for a break should be no different than any other commitment you make. It’s a commitment that you need to make to and for yourself. 

We say no to new commitments.

We can sometimes feel guilty for not saying “yes” to positive opportunities. In fact, the word “no” tends to have a pretty negative connotation. 

But that doesn’t have to be the case.

When we’re up to our eyeballs in stress and prior commitments, saying “no” to something is the best response for everyone. It’s good for you, because you don’t then feel the pain of having to try to fit yet another responsibility into your already packed life. 

It’s also a plus for the person or group being told no because what are they actually getting when you say yes? They’re getting an overwhelmed overcommitted helper who doesn’t have the time and dedication they need to do a good job. So even though you show up, you can’t give it your best and therefore both parties are unhappy.

We find a way to relieve stress without a full stop break.

There have been days where I have gone from one place to the next without even having time to stop for a snack. If this has happened to you, you know the pain. 

The stress is high, but there’s no outlet so it stays pent up.

If we can’t schedule downtime or say “no” to a new responsibility for whatever reason, we have to be able to handle the situation on the fly. As someone who likes to plan, I hate this. I hate it when I’m trapped in back-to-back responsibilities without reprieve. 

"No" doesn't have to have negative connotations.

Some of the best outlets I’ve found in these circumstances are journaling, listening to calming music, or meditating. These options should be tailored to what suits you best because not all of them are appealing to everyone. 

4 Benefits of Taking a Break 

I love fall, and the holiday season, but I also think we all need a reminder to take a break where we are able. And if we “don’t have time,” schedule some in.

There are 4 major benefits of taking breaks:

We Feel Better

We feel better physically, mentally, and emotionally when we take a break. Our bodies can release the stress we’ve been holding onto and our mind will feel less burdened. 

Because we’re less stressed, we will be able to deal with our human emotions better and more effectively prioritize when the stress starts to creep back.

Our Relationships Improve

When we get in a whirlwind of prioritizing and trying to get everything done, something inevitably has to take the backseat. Many times these are relationships with our family and friends.

We tend to feel bad about it, but nevertheless proceed because we assume (sometimes rightfully, sometimes not) that they will be waiting for us when our life gets less hectic. So, when we take a break we can finally make the much needed time to build and maintain these relationships. They thrive with the attention they need.

We’re More Productive

Do you know that feeling you get when you’ve been looking at something for so long that even small noticeable errors fly under the radar? The pre-break glazed over look and attitude that screams “I can’t do this anymore”? 

Breaks have this incredible power of giving us clarity of the daily grind.

Taking a break fixes that! When we take a break, we create a critical distance from our work. That critical distance can really help spice things up when you go back to it because your brain had time to remember what the heck it was supposed to be doing in the first place. It also has room for new ideas that got pushed out due to stress.

We Gain a New or Refreshed Perspective

Taking a break allows you to remember why you love what you do, or shows you something you once loved is now lackluster. 

If you remember why you loved what you were taking a break from, you’ll be excited to get back to it! If you discovered you no longer like what you do, or knew that but were gritting your teeth to “get it done,” it might be time for change. Breaks have this incredible power of giving us clarity of the daily grind.

The best thing we can do for ourselves is be kind! Not that we want to hold ourselves to lower standards - on the contrary. Allowing (or forcing) ourselves to make time for breaks is beneficial in all the best ways, including more efficient productivity.

My challenge to you is to figure out how you can take a break this week, even if it’s just a small one.

Need help figuring out how to manage your time and make time for breaks? I can help! If you’re a business person who could use a writer to free up some of your valuable time, learn more about how I can help here. If you’re a professional and/or creative who just needs someone to help them figure things, out, click here to read about how I work with individuals just like you. Let’s make time for you to take the break you want and need.

What do you think about breaks? How does that play out in your life? I’d love to hear about it! Drop a comment below or email me at rachel@capturingyourconfidence.com! 

Interview with an Author: Kelly MacLellan

Our first guest author at Capturing Your Confidence is writer Kelly MacLellan. Kelly has a coaching business, Embrace Your Life Coaching, where she is a personal life and career coach.

Her book, Follow Your Heart to Discover Your Life Purpose, is a powerful tool to help readers struggling to find their life purpose. It builds a unique and achievable framework for following your heart to do what you are passionate about.

Kelly MacLellan

We connected with Kelly about her writing experiences and what advice she would give to aspiring writers and authors.

Tell us a little bit about your writing journey. Have you always wanted to be a writer? Or did the passion come to you later in your life? 

For me, I would describe my writing journey to be natural. When I was young, I often wrote stories with illustrations and I took great pride in writing and delivering talks for an annual speech contest in our school. While I never won major contests, only regional ones, I remember the true joy was seeing how my writing impacted people.

Writing helps me process my experiences and it helps to fulfill my need to serve others. I am gifted (and sometimes cursed) with this constant need to improve and help others see their potential. It is extraordinary how writing can help plant the seed in someone who is ready for that idea to be planted.

Where did the idea for your book, Follow Your Heart to Discover Your Life Purpose, develop from? 

The idea for my book came from my actual life experience. I was grieving the loss of a pregnancy and a period of infertility, and then a divorce. I had made some pretty radical, transformative decisions that lead me to the Dominican Republic.

I saw this moment in my life as a time that I was blessed with the time and freedom to heal and share all I had learned professionally and personally.

I was initially staying for a 12 week volunteer experience but then I fell in love with life again and wanted to stay and continue the experience. To stay, I promised myself that I would write a book. I saw this moment in my life as a time that I was blessed with the time and freedom to heal and share all I had learned professionally and personally.

What was your process for writing your book? 

I approached the process of writing my book by committing to daily structured writing time. Because I saw this period of my life as a divine blessing, I consulted often with my spiritual guides. I would do a practice of yoga, meditation and then prayer. I would then sit down in front of the computer and write from 9 am - 2 pm usually.

To celebrate each day, I made sure to get out and see friends, go to the pool, or beach, café and simply enjoyed my life! This worked so well that I had most of the book finished in 6 months; but, I didn't release it for another 2 years.

Describe your biggest obstacle and how you overcame it. 

My biggest obstacle was that when I was expecting my daughter and about to become a mother, I hesitated on publishing my book. It was my story. I wanted to protect my daughter and did not want the details of my story to ever impact her story. I overcame this fear when I resolved my complicated beliefs about mothers and daughters and perfection.

Each day, I started writing with the intention that the message in the writing would inspire and empower people to embrace their lives and follow their hearts.

I chose instead that I want my daughter to know my story and how much love I have for her. How I waited to be a mother for so long, and how I believe that God had a hand in our family story.

What is the part of the book (or process) you are most proud of?

The part of my book that I am most proud is that overall, I feel like I shared truly from my heart and wrote authentically using my voice. Each day, I started writing with the intention that the message in the writing would inspire and empower people to embrace their lives and follow their hearts.

Would you consider doing another book or other published writing in the future? 

Yes, I have a few projects that are hanging on and still calling out for attention. I have set an intention that 2020 will be the year I give these projects some love and see what happens! 

What do you want the world to know about you as an author? 

That is a hard question.

First, I find it hard to connect with the word “Author”.  Authors have always been people I have admired and respected.  People who have accomplished great things in their fields. They wrote my textbooks or are Literary Geniuses! 

Whatever your message is, craft it in a way that is intentional, believe in yourself, and don’t share it before it is really reflective of what you think and feel.

I think for me, I appreciate the title of writer or coach – because these titles imply that I know some things, have learned some lessons and am on a lifelong path to keep figuring things out! These titles imply that I love what I do, accept who I am and am passionate about sharing what I learn with others.

What is the biggest piece of advice you would give to aspiring writers?

My biggest piece of advice to an aspiring author and writer is to realize that your writing has an impact, whether your audience is far-reaching or even if it is read by one person – likely a family member.

 Your voice matters, so don’t minimize your value! You really do not know what your message can inspire in the reader, in their life, and those that they know.

Whatever your message is, craft it in a way that is intentional, believe in yourself, and don’t share it before it is really reflective of what you think and feel.

Your voice matters, so don’t minimize your value!

And, if writing in your life is similar to my experience of writing and the role it plays in my life, make time for it. Dedicate time to play, learn, connect with new people and teachers, and explore new ways of writing and sharing it. It really is a life long endeavor, so take your time and trust the process.

If you would like to purchase Kelly's incredibly helpful book you can find a copy here.

If you would like to work with Kelly to receive one-on-one coaching, visit her website here.

If you know an author, or of an author, you would love to read an interview with, email me at rachel@capturingyourconfidence.com!

Book Review: The Wake by Paul Kingsnorth

Overview

Paul Kingsnorth’s first novel, The Wake, is a masterpiece of language in epic proportions. Writing about a time long ago - 1000 A.D. - he captures the essence of life as a free English man before the catastrophic events of the Norman invasion that would ultimately change England forever. 

He basically updates Old English for the modern reader.

The most unique part of this almost 400-page novel is the use of what Kingsnorth calls, “a pseudo-language intended to convey the feeling of the old language by combining some of its vocabulary and syntax with the English we speak today,” (353). Basically, he updates Old English for the modern reader.

Content & Message

From the very beginning, the beauty of this carefully crafted language entranced me. Using lines such as, “aefry ember of hope gan lic the embers of a fyr brocen in the daegs beginning brocen by men other than us. hope falls harder when the end is cwic hope falls harder when in the daegs before the storm the stillness of the age was writen in the songs of men,” (2) Kingsnorth creates intrigue about the main character, the Buccmaster of Holland. 

Throughout the novel, the Buccmaster spins the tale of how his world unraveled and ultimately ended. We travel with him through the loss of his grandfather, two sons, wife, and his family’s land to the French invaders, who he hates with a passion. 

We see the darkness in this part of history in a personable way that resonates with us, and ultimately shapes the feeling of the book. 

In response to losing everything he’s ever known, he lives in the woods with a band of men who have faced similar losses and also dislike the foreign invaders who have claimed all of England’s land for themselves. During his time in the woods with his “werod,” which Kingsnorth tells us in the partial glossary is a “war band,” (350) they plot to take their country back. 

The main problem the group faces is that the Buccmaster, who insists that he’s “chosen” by the gods, refuses to take the big actions he insists will drive out the French. The others trust him as their leader for most of the story, but towards the end, as his speech and motives seem more and more far-fetched to the group, it all starts to go awry. 

After finishing the novel, the readers are left to wonder whether the werod men were truly disloyal to the Buccmaster, as he thinks, or if the Buccmaster was indeed mad, as they believe. 

Biggest Takeaway

Reading this book is truly an experience. We get to see the heightened emotions of a man who has lost everything and struggles not only to cope with that loss, but also try to take back somewhat of a life for himself. 

We see the darkness in this part of history in a personable way that resonates with us, and ultimately shapes the feeling of the book. 

Reading this book is truly an experience.

While the language is at first tricky, it becomes easier as the reader goes along, and becomes a key part of what makes this novel great. 

I may not have always liked the Buccmaster, and at some points his discussions with himself/Weland Smith get a little tedious, but overall this book masters the use of innovative language to tell this historical tale in its own time, which is a feat in and of itself. 

Overall Impressions

Having read the short back cover blurb, which described the book as: “a postapocalyptic novel set one thousand years in the past,” I imagined the themes were going to be dark, probably including death and survival. 

While this is partially true, the overarching themes of this work were war, religion, and surprisingly love. Kingsnorth captures the dirty truth of war and its effects on the people of England in his descriptions of the fighting (and intentions to fight), but that doesn’t overwhelm the novel. 

I was impressed by the language of course, but also by the ambiguity in the novel. 

Kingsnorth captures the dirty truth of war and its effects on the people of England in his descriptions of the fighting (and intentions to fight), but that doesn’t overwhelm the novel. 

Initially, the Buccmaster seemed like a man to be admired, at least by the standards of that time; however, he quickly shows himself to be quite a dislikable character. While it’s true he did have a harsh childhood, we later learn that he committed some very violent acts, which voices in his head convinced him were justified. 

We are left to wonder whether the Buccmaster of Holland really has the ability to speak to the Old Religion gods or whether he simply has the ego of a king in the circumstances of a landowner. 

Since the novel is told through his perspective and he’s so complex, I was often questioning whether the situations happening were really of the magnitude the Buccmaster claimed. While initially off-putting, I realized after finishing the book that I quite enjoyed having mixed emotions for the Buccmaster because it enhanced the mysterious tone of the novel.

5 Reasons We All Need Gratitude (And Not Just Around the Holidays)

It is the end of November already and it feels like January was an impossibly long time ago. I think this same thought every year, and after I get past the shock that 2 months from now we will be starting a brand new year, I reflect. 

I begin with major events. 

What has happened that has changed my worldview? What has happened that has changed my life? 

There always seems to be big, life-changing events that have happened. Things like losing a loved one or becoming financially stable. I suspect that this is partially because my husband and I are still young, but it never ceases to amaze me where we started and where we have come every single year. 

Once I’ve framed the year with major events, I think about more moderate things that were really good, or sometimes, really bad. 

Why was the event so impactful? How did I revel in it? How did I overcome it? 

These aren’t necessarily life-changers, but they certainly affected our lives at the time. Maybe it’s a much needed-vacation or buying a car. There are typically more of these, and I like to go through my calendar and see what kinds of events occurred each month. 

Finally, I think about the small details. Fun dates and once in a lifetime events; small accomplishments like losing 5 pounds, and things that put a smile on my face. I love looking back at my digital journaling apps to see the day-to-day memories that don’t make it to my long term memory. 

What happened throughout the year that made me happy? Can I replay that memory, and will it make me smile again?

It’s only after I’ve thought about the year in these segments that I can begin to get a clear picture of how thankful I am for the life I lead. Of how much gratitude I have not only for my support network of family and friends, but for the people I work with, and the work I do. 

We tend to think about gratitude this time of year not just because the year is ending, but also because of Thanksgiving. Despite how it might seem in department stores, we are still in turkey season! Trying to gather our families together for a meal is both time-consuming, and stressful. That doesn’t include the shopping, if we indulge. Sometimes these things overshadow the part of the day where we give thanks.

Reflecting on our lives and remembering the good and the bad is really important, though. We need that acknowledgement to help us finish our year strong and move into the next with our heads held high. 

Reflecting on our lives and remembering the good and the bad is really important, though. We need that acknowledgement to help us finish our year strong and move into the next with our heads held high. 

Now, sometimes the year has sucked. I mean, it has been terrible at what seems like every turn. I get it! I’ve been there! Life is like one of those tower drop rides at the fair - sometimes we’re soaring up at the top, looking out over the world. The next minute, we’re plunging downward with that weird uncomfortable feeling we get in our stomach that seems like it will never go away. 

Some years we feel like we’re at the top, and some years it feels like we’re plunging down with no stop in sight. 

Even if it has been a downward plunge year, it’s still important to look for the things we are thankful for. Here’s why: 

We need a reality check. I don’t know about you, but I am sometimes guilty of complaining about minor inconveniences. 

Ugh, traffic took an extra 15 minutes today and I was late for work!

First, I drive the same way to work almost every day, so I know better than to leave even a few minutes later than normal. It’s not rocket science that leaving later might make me late. 

Second, sometimes there has been an accident. People have to be taken away in an ambulance or frantically make phone calls because not only are they late to work, but now their car is totaled, too. This is clearly much more of a problem, especially if there was injury! Every time I see an ambulance driving away, I say a little prayer that the person is okay. If I had left at the normal time, that could have been me. 

Finally, will that 15 minutes really be a big deal a year from now? Let alone 5 or 10 years from now? Chances are you won’t even remember in a few weeks.

We make these kinds of off handed complaints not even really thinking about it; however, the reality is that we typically have a lot more to be thankful for than we have to complain about.

Sure, we could dwell on the fact that we were 15 minutes late to work. 

OR 

We could focus on the fact that we have a job that allows us to pay the bills. We also have transportation that has allowed us to arrive safely, and will reliably take us home to our family/friends/pets/etc. at the end of the day. 

Who couldn’t benefit from a positivity boost? If you consume any type of news, you might think the world is a terrible place. There are wild things happening now that weren’t even a consideration 15 years ago. Many of those things we are still working to mitigate or resolve, so it can seem like chaos.

Because there’s so much digital connection all around us, it’s easy to get caught up not only in the constant barrage of news, but also in comparing our lives to others on social media. 

Oh look at so-and-so’s family! Aren’t they beautiful! Look at the vacation they just went on!

While it’s nice to be able to keep up with our friends and acquaintances, it’s not healthy to constantly compare our lives to others. We can’t see behind-the-scenes, and let me tell you, sometimes it’s ugly. 

Focusing so much on the negative takes a toll on us mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Focusing so much on the negative takes a toll on us mentally, emotionally, and physically. If you take time to reflect on the positives you are grateful for in your life, you will feel less stressed, less like you’re running in a hamster wheel, and more confident that what you’re doing is working - even if it’s just small ways. 

If you change your mindset, you can change your course. If you’re stuck dwelling on what’s not happening, or what you want to happen that isn’t coming quickly enough, it definitely won’t happen. 

When you spend all your time thinking things like: 

If I could just lose these last 10 pounds I would be happier.

If I could just make more money, all of my problems would go away.

You drain your energy. You leave yourself no room to take the steps you need to lose the weight you want, or get a better paying job. 

Refocusing on the things you are grateful for will allow you to regain some energy and motivation to take small steps again. If you’re stuck, or obsessing, you’re not going to be able to do what you need to do. 

The first time I heard this, I laughed. “If only that were true!” I believe were my exact words. But, I can tell you that when I succumbed - and I don’t use that lightly, it really felt like the bottom of the barrel - I almost immediately felt relief. I began working to learn techniques and read books to help me get to a better place.

Our mind is our most powerful asset, and when we can harness it positively and focus on what we are grateful for, our lives change. Whatever course we are on will go where it’s supposed to go. It’s not some sort of magical thinking, it’s just life. 

Life’s too short to take things (and people) for granted. Just the other day I was annoyed at my husband for something silly after a long day. Tension was high, but I kept my mouth shut because I knew it was a silly reason to be irritated. 

I took some time to be quietly by myself and figure out why I was really upset. It wasn’t him. In fact, he had just gotten me flowers and taken me on a beautiful date the day or two before. There was absolutely no reason for me to lash out, and I’m thankful I stopped myself - I didn’t used to be able to do that. 

The reality is that I’m very blessed to have a husband who loves me so much. Who is one of the most generous people I know and makes me laugh until I cry sometimes. 

It’s much better to live with gratitude than to wish you had been thankful when you could.

While it’s a learned behavior to not lash out at people when we are upset, it’s very important to be able to refocus on the best aspects of our lives. We don’t have very long here on Earth, and we never know when something might happen to cut that short. 

It’s much better to live with gratitude than to wish you had been thankful when you could.

It’s time to prepare to make change. We should focus on the positive things in our lives all the time, but the end of the year is special. We are still working on the current year, but we are excited (and sometimes thankful) for the new year in front of us. 

We can use the end of the year to reflect on the good and bad. If your year has felt like the tower drop ride, you might be thinking: 

Thank goodness - let’s get this year the heck out of here!

It’s perhaps even more important to do some planning if you’ve had this kind of year. 

The bad parts of the year were a bummer - possibly even the worst of your life. But now is the time to remember what lit you up again after that darkness. What set your passions on fire and made you ready to conquer the world? 

And, if it hasn’t yet, what would? 

Those are the thoughts you want to go into the next year with because that’s how you’re going to pull yourself back up and be okay again. If you need to linger in your sadness until the end of the year, give yourself that grace. But, when January hits, be prepared to put your positive pants on.

January is a great time to begin to form new habits, and maybe even try a thing or two that scares you! Develop those new habits and create a new normal. 

Gratitude isn’t just something you should do. It’s something you need to do. Being grateful is helpful in every aspect of our mental, emotional, and physical lives. When we are less stressed or emotionally overwrought, we sleep better, eat better, and even hurt less! 

The holiday season tends to make us think more about what we are thankful for, which is good. The ultimate goal should be, though, to count our blessings on a regular basis. It’s a hugely underrated strength to be able to be grateful, especially in the face of hardship. 

Gratitude isn’t just something you should do. It’s something you need to do.

Your blessings/positive moments/however you want to label them are out there waiting to be noticed and appreciated. You won’t regret finding them (even if you have to look hard). 

Do you focus on what you’re grateful for? Or has someone inspired you to turn to a more intentionally positive mindset? I’d love to hear about it!

Drop a comment below or email at rachel@capturingyourconfidence.com. Let’s talk!

What Creates Confidence?: Exploring Confidence Series, Part 2

Welcome back to the Exploring Confidence Series!  

When you consider the idea of confidence, where do you think it comes from? 

In Part 2 of our Exploring Confidence mini-series, we will discuss what creates confidence, what’s it’s made of, and why it matters. 

What is Confidence?: A Brief Review

In Part 1 we defined confidence as: the “quality of being certain of your abilities or of having trust in people, plans, or the future.” 

We discussed confidence with self-efficacy, which is “people's beliefs about their capabilities to produce effects” (Bandura 1994).

Sometimes we are confident, but we don’t think it makes a difference! 

Confidence comes from our support network/system, experiences, and within us.

Everyone needs confidence. Why? Because we use it to bolster ourselves & others, as well as to make decisions. 

What Creates Confidence? 

If confidence is the quality of being certain of our own abilities, it stands to reason that thought has to come from somewhere. Some of us are blessed to be born with outgoing and flamboyant personalities. While this is a great attribute, it’s definitely not something everyone has throughout their lives. 

The good news is, we can develop confidence! That process looks a little different for everyone, but there are a couple of key aspects when creating or developing confidence:

Support from Our Network Our support network is critical in our confidence development. When we have a full and vocal cast of supporters in our lives, we tend to be comfortable to make decisions and feel good about them. And why wouldn’t we? Our network will probably do one of two things: encourage us to keep going or catch us when we fall.

It’s not until we’re adults that we are fully in control of who we associate with.

On the other hand, if we’re figuring out how to survive and thrive without a network of supporters cheering us on, it can be hard to be sure about our decisions. We may question whether the risk is worth the outcome or whether we can actually follow through with what we know needs done. This causes us not only to doubt our own efficacy, but also worry about the effect if we do make the decision and it goes poorly. What will happen in a worst case scenario if we don’t have someone to catch us when we fall?

We begin our lives not really having a choice about who surrounds us. We have families and friends, but those are likely people you have grown up with/around. It’s not until we’re adults that we are fully in control of who we associate with. If we grew up in a setting that didn’t allow for a lot of decision making or failing safely, we might have to learn these things as an adult. 

Taking Risks & Succeeding This probably sounds odd, but it’s true: taking risks creates confidence. In fact, when we take a lot of risks and they work out, our confidence can be bolstered pretty darn quickly. 

The problem with risks is that they’re risks, though, right? It wouldn’t be a risk if there wasn’t some negative consequence(s) associated with failure. 

When I say risk, I mean calculated risk. I don’t mean jumping off your roof thinking you can fly knowing full well you can’t but “risking” it just in case. I mean thinking through the pros and cons, educating yourself about the possible consequences and effects (good and bad) and then deciding to take action. While there will always be a negative consequence looming if we fail, there will also be a reward waiting if we succeed. 

The problem with risks is that they’re risks.

Confidence grows when we reward our calculated risk-taking. We see the success and we like that feeling! We want to feel it again, so we take some more risk to gain more reward. Eventually, we get to a place where even when we fail or take a bad risk, we’ve learned to get back up and try again. After all, we’ve seen what happens when we take a risk and succeed. 

What is Confidence Made of?

When we try to define words like confidence, we have an idea, but it can be tricky to explain. It’s not like you can go pick up a pack of confidence at the grocery store. So how do we know what it’s made of and where it comes from? 

Most of us see confidence fluctuate in our daily lives. We notice when people are confident, when they’re not, and perhaps even understand why. We just don’t often stop to think about it. What we see when we really look are:

Inner Strength People who are confident are strong. Not just on the outside, but mentally and emotionally. They have taken calculated risks and won, but they have also failed. They are self-aware and don’t shy away from speaking what needs to be said. This isn’t to say they enjoy confrontation, but realize that to grow, sometimes this must occur. They have developed their voices and characters and are ready to take on the world. 

People who are confident are strong. Not just on the outside, but mentally and emotionally.

They are people we look to for leadership and, sometimes, guidance. 

Picture the most confident person you know. Imagine their mannerisms and voice. Recall their character and values. 

What are the easiest qualities to recall? 

Willingness to Be Wrong For most people, being wrong seems to be a real sticking point. We live in a world where technology allows us to find the right answers to many questions within a few minutes. The problem is that we’re not always right, and that’s okay! 

Confident people are okay with being wrong because they know it’s a growing pain. We weren’t born knowing how to feed ourselves or drive a car - those are things we learn. And sometimes we mess them up along the journey. When we can admit we are not perfect, that we are, in fact, human beings who make mistakes, that’s when we are truly confident. 

When we are not willing to be wrong, we show fear. We are not taking the risk to be vulnerable to get the positive reward of growth, so we get stuck where we are. Refusal to be wrong and grow is a mask for lack of confidence. 

Many people will simply shrug this off. We see this a lot with people in power. They say things like “alternative facts” or blame others for their mistakes. No one is immune from being wrong sometimes, though. 

Think again about the most confident person you know. How do they handle being wrong? 

Knowledge that You Can Get Back Up When You Fall Down When we are brave enough to take risks, even when they scare us, we can succeed. Sometimes far beyond our wildest ideas. But, we also take the chance of failing and getting knocked down. Because we are human, we make mistakes and do things wrong. 

Confident people can get back up and try again when they fall. It might not be immediately, and it might not be the same attempt (which is probably good if it failed), but they are secure in the idea that when they’re ready, they can get up and keep going. 

Confident people are okay with being wrong because they know it’s a growing pain.

This knowledge comes partly from taking risks with possible success and failure outcomes. It also comes from being secure in the idea that it’s okay to be wrong. They wouldn’t do the same thing again, but even if it’s the worst failure of their lives, life will continue on. It is in these situations that confident people’s inner strength really shines through. 

Think one last time about the most confident person you know. What do they do when they fall flat on their face? 

Why Does it Matter? 

While it’s great that we can talk about what confidence is, where it comes from, and what it’s made of, why exactly is that information important? As I tell my students when they’re writing their research papers, they need to think about a “so what” factor - a reason their audience should care about what they’re trying to say.

So, in the spirit of a lifelong learner, here’s why confidence matters:

More Positive Mindset Who couldn’t use a little more positivity in their lives? We notice the inward changes of growing confidence first. We feel safer in the knowledge we can do what we want and need to do. We can make decisions, and fail, but we will be alright. 

We feel safer in the knowledge we can do what we want and need to do. We can make decisions, and fail, but we will be alright. 

We also worry less about our abilities! We don’t feel the need to constantly second guess our abilities, and that probably makes our work even better. We might even display more creativity or reach beyond what we thought we could do - all because we’ve gained the confidence to keep going. 

When we are confident, we also present ourselves better. We care less about the opinions of others because we trust ourselves, so we wear what we want to wear - what makes us feel good. We might do our hair differently or say hello to someone at work who we don’t normally talk to. We become more of the person we want to be. 

Better Interactions with Others Think of all the times you’ve started a project and second guessed your work. Maybe you had a brilliant out-of-the-box idea, but didn’t propose it at work because you didn’t think others would agree. Or you’ve completed something you’re really proud of, but never shown it to anyone because you weren’t confident about it. 

When we are comfortably confident, we present ourselves differently. We might stand a little taller, speak a little slower and with more assuredness during important gatherings. We also trust our own work, which means when we go to present it to others, we are more credible and believable. We believe in what we do, so others have a good reason to, also! 

We believe in what we do, so others have a good reason to, also! 

When we believe in our work, and others believe in our work, that’s a recipe for great collaboration. Others see your energy and vibes and want to get in on the action. They want to see more of your awesome ideas because you presented them with confidence!

More Confidence = Easier Path to Success When we act and work with confidence, we have an easier path to success. No, this is not a straight ticket or an easy shot, but here’s what more confidence can do:

It can create openings for collaboration. Networking is absolutely vital these days! In the past it might have been easy to walk in and get a job on a Monday morning with just a printed resume, but that time is long gone. You never know who you might be able to work with when you collaborate on projects. 

It makes you more willing to take risks, and as we know, taking risks is key to building confidence. We start with the tiny ones, and when we see them succeed, we can start building on them. Sometimes we’re in a position to take a larger risk for a larger reward. Would a person lacking in confidence go for that risk, even if it was their dream job/relationship/goal? Maybe not. 

Confidence also allows you to believe in yourself and your work enough that when you do face hard times of “failure,” you can get up afterward. Unfortunately, life isn’t always fair and some people face more obstacles than others. Perseverance is key to success, so when you have the confidence to weather the storm, you too can sail through to your vision of success, whatever that may be.  

What’s Next? 

We’ve talked about what creates confidence, what it’s made of, and why it matters. Tune in for the next part of our mini-series to read more about what can break confidence.

What have your experiences been with confidence? I’d love to hear about them! Drop a comment below or send me an email at rachel@capturingyourconfidence.com. 

Unlearning the 5 Paragraph Essay

Every semester around this time - research paper time - those of us in the college writing world fight the 5 paragraph essay battle. The one where we attempt to teach students that most writing, except standardized testing, doesn’t really use it. 

Inevitably there are sighs. Shock. Annoyance that what they thought they knew about writing isn’t going to get them through this class (that many have been dreading). 

What exactly is the 5 paragraph essay? 

The 5 paragraph essay, as the name would suggest, is 5 specific paragraphs of text that serve specific functions.

The introduction introduces the broad topic and develops a thesis statement, or main point, that the writer will make using evidence and/or examples.

The body paragraphs each make one point or show one example illustrating their point. These paragraphs go in descending order of importance, with the first paragraph being the strongest point of support. The weakest support goes in the third (last) body paragraph. 

Finally, the conclusion reminds the reader of the discussion throughout the rest of the essay. This includes a reminder of the introduction, a summary of the three supporting points, and a sentence denoting the end of the paper. Sometimes this can be a call to action for readers.

That doesn’t sound too bad, right?

What harm does it cause to have some structure in student writing?

Researcher and renowned scholar Les Perelman has spent years studying the effects of short timed writing, including the infamous 5 paragraph essay. He is even credited for being a driving force in making the writing portion of the SAT optional instead of mandatory. 

It’s not about the structure, it’s about the content. 

During his research, Dr. Perelman wrote 5 paragraph essay (read it here). You will notice, the paragraphs in the essay start as any essay might, but are full of commentary about the testing process. 

Can you guess how the essay scored? 

It got a perfect score. 

In short, it’s not about the structure, it’s about the content. 

Lacks Complexity 5 paragraph essay structure perpetuates the idea that everything we need to say for an argument can be contained in 5 paragraphs rather than the more complex writing college students do. 

It also leads students to think that there are always three supporting points to any argument, and that they should always start with their strongest idea first. 

This can be difficult to overcome in an entry level college English class where we write 6-10 page papers with required source material. 

Creates a Box As you can imagine, students learn this style of writing early and for many years because of all the required standardized testing. I remember having to crank out those essays, too. 

When students spend 12 years (or more) learning how to write a five paragraph essay, it can almost become a comfort zone. It’s as if when they get to the fifth paragraph, they can sigh in relief because they’ve made it. They have their argument, their three supporting points, and a conclusion. 

When students write their paragraphs, it’s as if they’ve filled up their box, and finishing the conclusion closes the lid.

When students write their paragraphs, it’s as if they’ve filled up their box, and finishing the conclusion closes the lid. The problem being that, in college, we have much bigger boxes to fill (and we like to leave our lids open for further discussion). 

Leads Students to Believe There Is Only One Way to Successfully Make an Argument Of course, all of these factors are intertwined. You can’t have a super complexly filled, or overflowing, box with a five paragraph essay. 

Probably the most pernicious effect of the 5 paragraph essay format is that it leads students to believe that it is the only, or best, way to make a successful argument. 

The bare bones idea can be helpful, especially for beginners who are easily overwhelmed by the enormity of writing and just learning the basics; however, this one way of argument isn’t always the best or most effective way, and it’s definitely not the only way. 

How do we get students past the 5 paragraph essay? 

The most common struggle I hear in entry level English is the length of our writing. “I can’t write 6 pages!” they exclaim. I’ve also heard statements like, “Well, I’ve made my point and there’s nothing else to say” after 2 pages out of a required 3 page writing assignment.

Upon discussion, this almost always stems from this five paragraph essay formatting. They’ve filled their box, or their paragraph quota, and they feel done.  

Slowly At the community college I teach at, we have a pretty diverse student body, which includes both traditional age students and returning adult learners. Whether students were in high school last year, or 15 years ago, we always have to take it slowly to get out of the five paragraph mindset. Even in a four year university setting - maybe even more so - the five paragraph essay is prominent. 

Each semester, we begin by thinking critically about other people’s ideas by reading and analyzing texts. Then we do some of our own research. Toward the end of the semester is where we start breaking out of that box and writing our research essays. They write a rough draft and get instructor feedback before turning in the biggest project of the semester: a 6-10 page essay (length requirement  depends on the school). 

Show them a Variety of Examples Personally, I always try to show a wide variety of voices in my class. My students are diverse, so the voices I show them should be too! But, as I’m thinking about the examples, I also purposefully show them work that’s different from the “standard” types of essays they’ve seen. 

I show them almost exclusively student examples. All of them have done well, but none are perfect, which gives us good discussion in class. When we look at these examples, we talk about the areas that could have been better alongside the features that were successful. I tell them that any example I show them has room for improvement, but all of them would be acceptable models if they need help crafting their own papers.

Encourage them to Take Risks Outside their Comfort Zone There isn’t a lot of room to take risks on standardized testing essays, or really any graded essays where you turn it in for a huge part of your grade with no chance to revise. This makes writing VERY stressful for most students. 

How can we expect students to learn how to write outside of their usual box if we don’t give them room to take risks and fail without tanking the grade they’ve worked toward all semester? I don’t think we can. 

My college mandates revisions, but even when I was teaching at a four year university I gave students room to learn outside of their comfort zone by allowing & expecting revision. How can we expect students to learn how to write outside of their usual box if we don’t give them room to take risks and fail without tanking the grade they’ve worked toward all semester? I don’t think we can. 

Give them Lots of Feedback Probably the hardest thing I do as an instructor to help students unlearn the five paragraph essay is to give them copious amounts of feedback. I say hard because it’s time consuming, and sometimes soul-sucking when you get a final draft back that’s the exact same as the first draft that didn’t do so hot. 

This is probably one of the most critical things I do, though, because the students who are invested use that feedback to do real learning. They ask questions and truly try to make their writing better. Even students who aren’t interested or just don’t fix their mistakes have still see the possibilities of how they could improve for next time. At the end of the day, that’s the best I can give them. 

But, in the long run, we college English instructors spend a lot of time unlearning this model because it’s simple, limiting, and just overall not what they need for college level writing. 

I understand the value of teaching students the five paragraph essay format when they are young and just starting out. After all, they have to get past all that testing to even get to my classroom. 

But, in the long run, we college English instructors spend a lot of time unlearning this model because it’s simple, limiting, and just overall not what they need for college level writing. 

If you are a teacher, what have your experiences been with the five paragraph essay? 

If you are a student, how has the five paragraph essay played a role in your education? 

I’d love to hear from you! Drop a comment below or send me an email at rachel@capturingyourconfidence.com. 

3 Easy Steps for Listening to Your Writer’s Voice

Think for a moment about the last time you wrote something creative.

What was going on in your mind? 

For some of us, there is a whirlwind of sound - characters, dialogue, perhaps sounds from the setting (we hear you, barking dogs and ringing phones!).   

But sometimes we don’t hear anything. Utter silence punctuated by the occasional self-doubt or questioning of what the heck to write next. 

Do you fall into one of these categories? 

Unless we have a set routine, it can be hard to focus in either of these scenarios. When we can really focus, though, these sounds become more intelligible and useful. 

I don’t know about you, but when I get writing (and I mean really in the groove, not just a stray paragraph here or there) the characters actually do all the talking. It ceases to become my language and becomes theirs. 

I write fiction (mostly), and I can say without hesitation that my writing is better when I let the characters write their own stories. It’s not only better, but also easier. It’s kind of like getting out of my own way, really.

The question is how to get to the place where your characters have a life of their own. 

I follow a pretty simple 3 step system when it comes to getting the madness of my mind into words on the page:

Step 1: Listen intently to all the sounds in your writer’s mind.

What we’re thinking when it comes to our writing is not always organized. In fact, it can be downright wild. It is for this reason that I’m not writing my book linearly - it’s in sections that have a rough timeline. 

Sometimes our minds are so dang loud and busy that we feel we can’t get anything done. Here’s the problem: all of those competing ideas and sounds probably play a role in what we (or our characters) want to say. When this happens to me (on the regular), I actually have to stop myself from multi-tasking and listen. 

Rather than getting frustrated when your thoughts are jumbled, go to a quiet place and let them be jumbled.

I’m listening for character voices, setting details, pieces of a scene - anything related to my book. Sometimes this is triggered by something I read. Most often, I hear an old song on the radio that triggers a memory that then makes me think “What would Callie say about this?” or “How would she react to the memory from my life?” (Callie is my main character.) 

Rather than getting frustrated when your thoughts are jumbled, go to a quiet place and let them be jumbled. Sit and have a cup of tea and think about them. Why do they feel so confusing? Why are they so mixed up? 

Step 2: Take notes & doodles about the noise.

Once I decipher what the noise is, I write it all down. Because I don’t think logically about writing in the idea generation phase, my notes can get pretty messy. 

This is what my notes look like... what about yours?

I’m talking lists with arrows every which way and sketches of characters. Bits and pieces of the scenes I imagine. Thoughts and ideas that make my characters angry or sad.  Literally everything I can get onto the paper comes out in these notes. 

The important part for me is that they are on a physical piece of paper. While I love technology and use it for many things, nothing will ever replace a trusty pen and paper. Not only does the act of writing help me sort out the noise, but it helps me contextualize where things will potentially go in my book. Not to mention the sense of satisfaction I get when I realize that I’ve piled 3 pages of messy notes onto the page. 

If you really want to use technology, I would recommend Microsoft OneNote - it does pretty much all the things a regular old notebook would do, but digitally. 

Step 3: Start writing.

The final step once I have quieted my mind and gotten all that idea noise into notes is to take action and start writing. This is the hard part, right?

Sometimes. 

Usually by the time I have sorted out my notes into something semi-logical or usable I have had a thought or two about what scene I should work on. I find that most times I am drawn to complete parts of my writing, even when it’s not in the next logical scenario. Somewhere in my notes is usually a phrase or a thought one of my characters have had. This is where my characters come out to play. I start with that and let them say what they want/need.

My writer’s voice is the one that tells me to get out of the way so my characters can do the hard work.

This is my writer’s voice in action. My writer’s voice is the one that tells me to get out of the way so my characters can do the hard work.

If this all sounds a little hokey and out there… it might be. I know a lot of writers and everyone is different. I’ve read a lot lately about how “The point of the first draft is to get it on the page” or “First drafts are always awful.” That’s kind of a bummer, though, right? 

If I’m thinking those kinds of things, there’s no way I’m staying motivated to finish my book. 

So, I ditch those ideas and listen to the writer’s voice in my head. Sometimes she’s unsure. Sometimes she hates what I just wrote. And sometimes she doesn’t grace me with her presence at all, which is highly inconvenient when I’m trying to listen!

What is a “writer’s voice”?

You might be wondering what I mean when I say writer’s voice. It’s not a real person or an alternate personality, but a guiding force in my writing. A part of my mind detached from reality and from my work that can keep a clear head when I’m writing instead of getting caught up in the character’s voices and lives. My instincts. Most, if not all, writers have some kind of a writer’s voice. 

While feedback is definitely valuable, and I would always recommend it for writing, the reality is that we are the creators of what we write. The thoughts and characters came from our mind, and no one else has the exact vision we have for our work. It is important to listen to other ideas, but it’s critical to listen to ourselves so we can create our vision.

When we listen to the writer’s voice in our minds there are benefits!

Express Initial Thoughts So your ideas don’t quite make sense the way your writer’s voice thought? That’s fine! Guess what? You have initial words on the page. At least you know what you were trying to do and/or what you were thinking about. When you take some critical distance from your writing and come back, you might be able to clean it up and refine it to be a really strong scene. 

Write Genuinely You are wonderfully and perfectly you, and when you listen to your instinctual writer’s voice, that comes out! We aren’t made to be human shaped cookies that look and function exactly alike. Our differences make the world a beautiful and diverse place, so to have your unique voice on the page sets you apart in the best way. No matter how much you like someone else’s writing, you probably don’t want to just copy that person’s writing, right? You want to write with your own voice. 

Our differences make the world a beautiful and diverse place, so to have your unique voice on the page sets you apart in the best way.

See Our Good Ideas I can’t tell you how many times I hear people say “I just don’t have any ideas” or “None of my ideas are good enough.” Um, what? Look, when you brainstorm the heck out of something and work it out in writing, you have a  good idea in there somewhere. It may not be what you thought it was, or what you would even necessarily want to read yourself. That doesn’t mean it couldn’t be something awesome. It means that it’s an idea open to whatever you want/need/care to do with it. 

While I write fiction, I can imagine a similar process for nonfiction writers, too. I deeply admire nonfiction writers who can make their subjects engaging and relatable. 

The next time you try to write and get overwhelmed by the noise in your head, remember to stop and listen, write it down, and start somewhere - listen to what your characters are saying. 

This is the process that I use, but I’d love to hear about yours!

What experiences have you had with your writer’s voice? Or what do you do when you have too many ideas at once? Drop a comment below or email me at rachel@capturingyourconfidence.com!

What is Confidence?: Exploring Confidence Series, Part 1

When you think about confidence, what comes to mind? In our new mini-series, we will dig into what makes confidence, what breaks confidence, and what we can do when we need confidence and it’s not there. 

What is Confidence? 

With any exploration, it makes sense to go straight to a reliable source, right? So to kick things off, confidence is defined as the “quality of being certain of your abilities or of having trust in people, plans, or the future.” 

Confidence has everything to do with how we feel about the actions we take (or could take) to be successful. When we are confident, we feel sure we can accomplish what we need to serve others and ourselves, as well as succeed in the future. 

Confidence vs. Self-Efficacy

While confidence is the belief that you can be successful, there is a difference between believing you can do something and actually doing it. When we are confident, we take risks and accomplish tasks. We go through life with fewer doubts about what we are doing, and we believe we can succeed. 

In my studies of confidence, extending back to grad school, one of the core concepts studied alongside confidence is the idea of self-efficacy. Scholar Albert Bandura is one of the most well-known self-efficacy researchers in the field, dating back to the 1990s, and he defines perceived self-efficacy as “People's beliefs about their capabilities to produce effects” (Bandura 1994).

The reason this is important is because even when we are confident, sometimes our self-efficacy is lacking.

The reason this is important is because even when we are confident, sometimes our self-efficacy is lacking. This means we are sure of what we can do, but we are not sure that it makes a difference. 

For instance, in my writing & blogging, I know for a fact I can learn all the important aspects. I don’t question whether I can learn more about marketing or networking or writing for different audiences. I am completely confident; however, sometimes doubt comes creeping in (as it does to all of us) and makes me think things like:

Even if you learn all the things, it won’t matter. You’ll only reach a small group of people and you won’t be able to spread your positive message. 

And 

Your writing is good, but dang girl, you don’t know anything about online business! How can you boost anyone’s confidence if you can’t get to them? 

For most bloggers and entrepreneurs, these thoughts (or something similar) have probably crossed your mind. This is low self-efficacy. It’s not about the belief in yourself as as a whole, but about whether you believe you can effect change or difference. 

Take a moment and think about a time where you were very sure you could complete a task. Were you sure your ability to complete that task would make a difference in the outcome?  

Where Does Confidence Come From? 

No matter what kind of family life you have, where you grew up, or who you have become, there are a few factors that play heavily into your confidence. It starts when we’re children, but often grows and changes as we become adults. Everyone has a unique blend of surroundings, experiences, and personality that can help explain why our confidence is the way it is. 

Support System/Network Who we grow up around as a child has a lot to do with how confident we are. This includes family, friends, teachers, and anyone else we learned from. Typically, when we have a wide network of supportive people who want to see us succeed and are willing to help, we have at least some confidence we can achieve our goals. 

What happens when you don’t have a good support system, though? 

Sometimes the lack of a supportive network causes people to be fiercely independent and confident despite the fact that they’re doing it all on their own. Sometimes it causes struggle that builds resistance to that low self-efficacy trap. If we’re on our own without help, we know what we’re doing is making a difference because we can see it. 

We don’t have much say in our support system when we’re young, but as we grow older and become adults, we decide who to surround ourselves with. 

We don’t have much say in our support system when we’re young, but as we grow older and become adults, we decide who to surround ourselves with. We expand our networks to coworkers and managers, and maybe we become friends with people from our past who played different roles before - for instance, becoming friends with old teachers.  

Experiences The great and terrible thing about experience is that no one else has your unique blend of perception and lived reality. You have experienced events in a way that no one else could because you are you! This can be a real confidence booster if you have had a lot of positive experiences. 

Maybe you were a great student and won a lot of awards during your school years, or you were a celebrated athlete and were awarded college scholarships. These experiences create more confidence and make you feel like you can do all the things. 

On the other hand, negative experiences greatly affect you, too. They are certainly a deterrent from doing the same or similar things again, and can quickly make you lose confidence in yourself and your abilities. 

The great and terrible thing about experience is that no one else has your unique blend of perception and lived reality.

For instance, when you tried your absolute best on a paper in school and were given a “C” but didn’t understand why. Or when you volunteered to babysit the class pet over the weekend and your parents were angry at you. These kinds of experiences breed doubt, make you lose confidence, and many times, make you lose self-efficacy. 

Within Us We can’t talk about confidence without talking about how unique each of us is. Our personalities play a large role in our behavior, which is usually what influences our experiences. You’re the backbone of your life.

Some of us, especially those of us who are blessed with great support systems growing up, take more naturally to confidence. It makes sense that we would accept and live confidently when people have been telling us that we can do it from a young age. Our personalities grow into that belief and it becomes a part of us. 

Some of us, though, face great odds to become confident. It’s much harder to be confident when our support system is always telling us we won’t succeed or taking actions that show they don’t care. When these people grow confidence, it’s because they have dug deep into themselves and worked hard to see their progress. 

Maybe they want to prove others wrong, or maybe they just want to get out of where they are. Either way, they gain confidence by succeeding when no one else seems to believe in them. And when they get there, their confidence has become a solid foundation. 

Who Needs Confidence? 

The short version is that everyone needs confidence. This might seem dramatic, but the reality is that we use confidence in a number of ways every day. It can be critical to our success at all levels - as a child, teenager, adult, and experienced adult. 

Here’s why: 

We use it to bolster ourselves & others. We all have times where we feel deflated. Everything is going wrong and it feels like we’ll never get to where we want to be. When we have a healthy confidence, though, these times are short periods. They’re not decades of our life, they’re days, weeks, or months. When we believe in ourselves, we can reinflate and keep trying, even if it’s slower than we would like. We are more positive, and we take some risks that we might not without confidence. 

When we are more positive and figure out ways to get through the tough times, we can also use these strategies to help others. Have you ever said to someone “I have complete confidence in you,” or had someone say that to you? It’s a pretty great feeling on both accounts (when you mean it)! 

Sometimes we can tell ourselves enough to believe it, but sometimes we need others to step in and remind us that we can do it. When we have confidence, we can act as that other person both for ourselves and for others. It’s a win-win situation. 

We use it to make decisions. 

How often do you make big purchases where you’re not sure if it will work out? I don’t know about you, but I have to have a strong mindset before I’m laying down my money, especially the big bucks. 

Believe it or not, confidence plays a large role in how we make our decisions. We make different decisions when we are confident than when we are lacking confidence.

For instance, starting a brand new business without having all the necessary skills, but being sure you can learn them in short order to create success is a bold and confident move. You probably wouldn’t make that decision if you weren’t feeling confident you could learn more and fast. 

We also use confidence in our personal lives. We make confident decisions about our purchases, cooking, and relationship interactions. Often, we appear more confident among the people we are closest to because we trust them enough to show them our truest selves. We are also fairly sure they won’t scoff or joke about our big dreams like others might.

What’s Next? 

We’ve talked about what confidence is, where we get it, and who needs it, so where do we go now? Tune in for the next part of our mini-series to read more about what makes up confidence!

What have your experiences been with confidence? I’d love to hear about them! Drop a comment below or send me an email at rachel@capturingyourconfidence.com.  

Book Review: Everything is Figureoutable by Marie Forleo

UPDATED JULY 2020

Marie Forleo’s book, Everything is Figureoutable, is fabulous. It’s not only about the radiating positivity starting on the first page, or the fact that you can hear Forleo’s voice speaking to you in each chapter, although those are both great perks. The real accomplishment here is the clarity of such a powerful message in a way that readers can follow with actionable steps. 

Content & Message

The overarching goal of the book is to “train your brain to think more creatively and positively - especially in the face of setbacks.” In talking about why she wrote the book, Forleo says: 

“I wrote this book because, if I got hit by a bus tomorrow, it’s the one idea I’d want to leave behind...It’s a philosophy of relentless optimism. A mindset. A mantra. A conviction.” 

Everything is Figureoutablehas lofty goals to achieve in just 261 pages! It is broken down into ten chapters and an epilogue. Within each chapter, Forleo gives examples from her own life to highlight the everything is figureoutable mindset she grew up with and embodies every day. She uses science and logic to explain why the actions and steps she’s taken actually work, which inspires readers to follow in her footsteps. 

Even as Forleo recommends taking certain steps, she is constantly encouraging readers to adapt the figureoutable philosophy to their own needs - one size definitely doesn’t fit all!

One of the suggestions Forleo gives is to write "Everything is figureoutable" first thing in the morning and stick it where you can see it often. I stared the book in September 2019 when it arrived, and my Post-Its quickly piled up! I had them stuck all around my desk at work, along with some motivational quotes from the book.

Following each chapter, there is an Insight to Action section with exercises for readers to complete before moving on to the next chapter. The questions range from soul-searching for what you want out of life, like defining & getting real about your most exciting dream (thank you, chapter 6!) to making lists of concrete actions they can take today, like chapter 7 that encourages you to “put some skin in the game.” They spur readers to develop their thoughts using the ideas from the chapter and formulate a plan to move forward toward their dreams. 

The last piece of each chapter is the Figureoutable Field Notes, which are experiences of real people who have used the everything is figureoutable philosophy to change their situation for the better. With examples from loved ones getting cancer to one woman who needed to find a safe place for her brother with Alzheimer’s to live, these stories show the real-life application and flexibility of the philosophy.  

Biggest Takeaway

As you might expect, the biggest takeaway from the book is that everything is figureoutable! Whether you are working on small things like how to get through your day or bigger things like getting out of debt, Forleo’s steps make life’s trials and tribulations seem a little (maybe a lot?) less scary. 

The reason this philosophy is so different than others is because it’s flexible and actionable.

The reason this philosophy is so different than others is because it’s flexible and actionable. This isn’t just an idea for when you need help on goals that are “too big” - it’s also  for when you need to convince yourself to get out of bed to go to a job you don’t like. It’s for when you have been struggling to set boundaries in relationships, or when you are mending one. It’s for when you are panicking about an unexpected situation in your life that doesn’t seem to have an answer. No challenge is too big or too small to figure out.

Overall Impressions

Marie signed my copy!

I first heard about this book in September 2019, when I was taking a webinar with Marie. That webinar got me so pumped up that I pre-ordered the book - it was my first time pre-ordering. When it was released, I obsessively checked the mailbox for the day when it would arrive. I was not disappointed. 

This kind of book is way out of the ordinary for me, as I typically trend toward fiction. Most other self-help books I’ve read always seem nice in the big picture, but lack the steps of how to actually do what they proclaim. Not to mention the tone. I don’t want to feel like I’m being taught step-by-step in a book; if I wanted that I would take a class. 

Everything is Figureoutable isn’t like any of those other books, though. It’s inspiring. The tone is purely positive and believes in you even when you don’t. It shows you experience before it guides you how to do the same types of kick-ass things in your own life. 

From the desk of a picky book nerd, this is - without hesitation - one of the best books I’ve read in a long time.

This is not the book for you if you aren’t willing to take responsibility for making your dreams come true. It’s not the book for you if you’re not willing to take a critical look at reality and take action. It’s definitely not the book for you if you dislike unstoppable positivity and hard work. 

BUT

This is the book for you if you want to feel encouraged and inspired as hell (and don’t mind a little swearing here and there). If you are looking to make positive and impactful changes in your life, starting today. And if you just need a positive kick in the pants to help you move along. 

From the desk of a picky book nerd, this is - without hesitation - one of the best books I’ve read in a long time. I liked it so much that I actually even gave it as a gift less than a month later.

Why Writers Need this Book

This is a great book for everyone, but especially writers! It creates a doable framework to achieve our dreams, both big and small. It replaces the old mindset of success & failure that is stuck in our minds

It’s also just an overwhelmingly positive read that tells you over and over again that YOU can do it. You have the power and the ability to get where you want to be because everything is figureoutable - including, and especially, your writing.

If you're feeling down and out about your writing, go get this book today. It will help you.

Next Steps

There are a few steps to take next: 

1.Get the book here. (Or here or here). Better yet, check your local library! Super easy.

2.Read the book & spend the time to do the activities. I bet you’ll fly through it and want more. Try it and see!

3.Practice your new figureoutable mindset. New mindsets can sometimes feel hard to get used to, or even scary. But Marie makes you feel okay about it. It's incredibly empowering and uplifting as you do the work throughout the work because you come out really believing that you can conquer your circumstances - they don't run your life.

4. Get Help if You Need It If you read this book and don't know where to start, or if you decide to start right away (woohoo!), I can help. (By the way, this definitely happened to me - so exciting.) I work with writers just like you to plan and work through new writing projects, or works in progress that have been lingering around without direction.

I am also a creative confidence coach, which means that my primary goal - aside from helping you with your writing - is to be a consistent supporter and fan. I empower, encourage, and lovingly help you take risks that you need to take for your writing. If you’re excited and ready to get to work, or if you're just a little intrigued, you can click here to read more about my 1:1 services. Let’s get you the creative life you dream of!

My challenge to you is to read the book and do the work to start creating a positive change in your life. 

Have you read the book? What did you think? What was your favorite part? I’d love to hear about your experiences! Find me on social media, drop a comment below, or email me at rachel@captuingyourconfidence.com! 

Let’s chat because you, my friend, are on your way to great writing.

The Ultimate Guide to Journaling

UPDATED DECEMBER 2020

Chances are, if you liked writing or showed an interest at all when you were young, someone gave you a journal at one point. It may have been a pretty notebook, a hardbound “diary,” or, a tiny little notebook that fits about 3 words on the line.

What do you remember about it? 

Were you excited? Annoyed? Skeptical, perhaps?

Me too. As someone who has loved writing for as long as I can remember, I had a string of “diaries” when I was young. I specifically remember having a voice-activated password diary - the latest trendy thing in the 2000s. It seemed like every birthday or gift-giving holiday, journals were the gift of choice. 

When I was young, I would get all excited about a new journal. I would use it for a few writing sessions, then lose interest. Sometimes I would be paranoid that my diary was read by someone (and sometimes it was). Or, I didn’t want to spend hours writing down all my thoughts at one time, because that’s what journaling was to me then: hours of writing down every little feeling and detail. 

When I went away to college, I found comfort in keeping a journal on a regular basis. I didn’t write every day, because I tended to write quite extensively, but every week or two I would write about what was important and happening in my life. It was during this hectic time that I figured out how incredibly helpful it is to have a journal. 

Now I journal every day, and it has changed my life.

What is Journaling?

Before we get to the juicy stuff, though, let’s make sure we’re on the same page about what a journal actually is. A journal is, “a daily record of news and events of a personal nature; a diary.” Essentially, you write every day about what’s happening around you in a private place.

Many times, this strict definition of journal is what discourages people from journaling. The “daily” act of writing or keeping a “diary” seems like quite a big time commitment, especially if you’re busy, as most of us are.

This was definitely off-putting for me because: 

• When I was writing in a “diary” I poured out my soul for long periods of time. I’m talking a couple of hours at a time, so how could I expect to do that every day?

• Because I wrote so much for so long, I was drained, so writing every day seemed like an unattainable goal.

• I’ve never liked the idea of a “diary” because it seems like telling people about a diary encourages them to ask about things you obviously want to keep private. It also seems like something you might have to “hide” - at least that’s what we learn about keeping a diary as kids.

When I talk about the benefits of journaling and how helpful it’s been in my own life, understand that I don’t commit to writing 10 pages a day of raw emotional content in a diary.

Every morning I free write 3 pages - a practice called Morning Pages (read more about that here) - and I log my day at the end of the day. For me, journaling is one of the biggest ways I do self-care, so I do indulge in nice journals, although not super expensive ones. I love Peter Pauper Press journals like this one.

7 Benefits of Journaling

While it’s one thing for me to say journaling has helped me, it’s another thing to “prove” it, right? After all, just because something works for me doesn’t mean it will work for you.

BUT

Did you know there are research-backed benefits to journaling? People have been studying journaling for years and it DOES have some pretty great benefits as a practice.

Journaling helps you have:

• Less stress

• Less anxiety

• Better ability to work through emotion

• Physical healing from the effects of diseases like Depression

• Psychological healing from trauma

• Improved memory

• Boosts positivity

And these are just some benefits! Science also supports these claims?

Types of Journals

Free writing isn’t the only way to journal - there are plenty of other options! This might seem like it makes things more complicated, but it’s actually really great for you because it means that you are not confined to the traditional idea of keeping a journal if that doesn’t appeal to you.

Here are some types of journaling you could choose from: 

• Self-Care Journal - working through life’s difficulties and your own feelings

• Writing journal - if you are a writer and want all of your thoughts collected in one place

• Gratitude journal - a log of things you are grateful for

• Travel journal - a written account of your travels

• Dream journal - a written account of your dreams and what you think they mean

• Bullet journal - an all-in-one organizational system that can be a journal plus a lot more!

A journal can and should be what you want and need it to be. Learning what works for me has been a journey. I used to do personal journaling in bursts. I would write 5-10 pages at a time, but only once or twice a month. Now, I write 3 pages every morning and not only is it easier because I have a limit to the time and amount, but I’ve come to rely on it as a way to clear my head before the start of the day.

In the morning I do free writing, but I also list 3-5 things I’m grateful for and 3 things I must get done during the day. Before bed, I log my day in the Pixels app and I list 10 things I’m grateful for. If I have something special that I took a picture of, I put it in the journey app for safe-keeping. It’s awesome! It also doesn’t take as long as you might think - I spend maybe a half hour in the morning and less than 10 minutes at night.

How to Begin Journaling

Although it may seem daunting, journaling doesn’t have to be complicated or all-consuming. There are 4 simple steps that can get you started journaling today!

1. Choose how to journal. Consider what you want to get out of journaling: are you anxious? Do you need to unload your emotions in a private place? Are you really busy and need to keep a log of what’s going on around you? Do you just want someone to talk to who won’t react to what you’re saying? Once you know what you want from your new journaling habit, it will be easier to figure out the “how to do it” part.

2. Decide what medium to write it. Do you like the traditional feeling of pen on paper? Or do you love technology and want to keep a digital journal? There are awesome tools available for both options. Do some research and see what’s out there that you like. I also have some options below that I love and I think you might, too!

3. Acquire whatever tool you want to use to journal. Is this a regular notebook? A fancy, bound journal? A daily app with reminders? 

4. Begin writing. You’ve got this! It’s a process to get used to writing every day, but if you make the effort to take time to do it, journaling will begin to become a very positive habit in your life.

Journaling Tools

I didn’t start out as someone who loves journaling, but I sure am now! Along the way, I’ve found some pretty incredible FREE tools that I still use today. Check them out - I think you’ll like them, too.

Pixels - a log to keep your emotions every day. You select a color correlating to your mood and make notes about it every day. You can be as detailed (or not) as you want, and if you don’t want to leave a comment and just a color, you can do that too! Many things, like the month or year view and colors are customizable.

On my app, I use yellow for the best days, orange for good days, green for fine days, purple for not very good days, and red for really bad days.

Journey - a password protected digital diary (don’t worry, it’s not voice activated) that allows you to free write the same way you would on any other document - with images, gifs, emojis, etc. Plus, you can add voice recordings & attachments! You have the option to back it up, and it will keep all of your data safe and sound.

I love this app because I started using it in January 2017, and I can access all of my entries since then. My favorite is adding everyday pictures because then it reminds me of things I might have forgotten. It will also send reminders when you have an anniversary of an entry with the option to “look back” at it. There is a paid version, which is like $6.99, but I felt like that was worth it for me because I have so many entries from over the years. It’s definitely not a requirement and there’s no pressure to upgrade while using the app.

Stop Panic and Anxiety - This is one of the best meditation apps I have found to date. I typically use the relaxation audio recordings when I’m going to sleep. The audios range from about 15-25 minutes, and they guide you with how to breathe and everything.

There is also the option to use the cognitive diary function. You can choose to make the app password protected, too,  and set up a reminder so you don’t forget. It doesn’t look the prettiest, but it’s awesome just the same!

BONUS: None of these apps cause ads, and only use push notifications if you want them to.

Journaling Considerations

You might be thinking “Well, I’m just not into it. I’ve done it before & it just doesn’t work for me.”

That’s perfectly fine! Journaling is not for everyone. For years I’ve been a proponent, and that’s partly because I love words so much. I realize, though, that words may not have the same effect on others as they do on me. 

Before you give up entirely, though, consider: 

• You don’t have to do the “diary” type of journaling. Whether it’s a matter of time, or whether you live with too many people for it to actually be private, there are other ways to journal and express yourself.

• Just because you try one type of journaling doesn’t mean you have to commit. You can try as many types of journaling as interest you, but just because you try it doesn’t mean you’ll do that same activity the rest of your life. Want to be more satisfied with your life? Focus on finding and writing down one thing you are grateful for every day. Bam! You have yourself a gratitude journal, even if you don’t call it that.

• You can always go digital - for free - if you aren’t feeling the pen and paper journaling concept. Plus, if you go digital, you can password protect your thoughts if you feel like you need to. 

My challenge to you is to read a little about each type of journal and then try one out for a month!

What kinds of journals have you written? Heard of? Thought about trying? I would love to hear about your trials and triumphs! Find me on social media or leave a comment below.

Let’s chat because you, my friend, are on your way to great writing.